Receiving the Silent Treatment

At some point in our lives, I’m sure we have all received the silent treatment from someone. It’s possible we might not have even known we were receiving it.

As children, it’s common for us to fight and argue and say things like, “I hate you and I’m never going to speak to you again.”

When we grow up, we may not sound so childish or use such childish words, but we still often give the silent treatment to others. We don’t broadcast to the world that we aren’t speaking to that person, but perhaps we make it clear to that person that we are angry. We might even go so far as to tell that person, “Don’t call me anymore.” And then the silent treatment begins. Whichever side of the silent treatment we are on, it can be hard.

We know we are receiving the silent treatment when the other person was clearly angry with us, whether or not he tells us that he will no longer speak to us, because the person avoids us in public and does not answer our phone calls or reply to our emails.

And then there are times when, “What happened?” might be our response. We might think we are good friends with a person. We might spend time with him or her, have lunch, share our secrets, and then one day, the person becomes unresponsive. We call but there’s no answer. We leave a message and wait for a callback. A day or two passes. “Maybe she’s just busy,” we think. A week passes. “Maybe she didn’t get my message,” we think, and although we are surprised she did not call that entire week, we call and are discouraged when we have to leave another message. It might take two or three more calls that are not returned before we come to understand that the relationship is over.

In dating, the silent treatment is often used to end a relationship. We go out on a nice date and think it went well; the other person says he or she will call, but we never hear from that person again. We don’t know why. We assume that person does not like us, but for whatever reason, the relationship is clearly over.

Notice I just said, “We assume that person does not like us.” But is that true? Can we know that’s true when the person is giving us the silent treatment? No, we often don’t know why someone decides to end a relationship. We don’t have to blame ourselves when it happens. It takes two people to have a relationship, and if the other person cannot at least tell us why the relationship ended, then that person has his or her own issues with setting boundaries, being honest, or simply confronting a problem.

Sometimes, the silent treatment results when a person doesn’t know how to respond. At that time, the person becomes frozen or simply afraid to respond, and often, he is afraid of his own feelings, or she might simply be afraid of hurting our feelings, so nothing is said.

 Sometimes, the silent treatment means the person who is non-responsive is not trying to be mean but simply has to work out something for him- or herself. When that is the case, we can let that person go gracefully. We don’t have to write demanding letters or leave tearful voicemails. We simply accept that for whatever reason that person has other things going on now and does not need us in his or her life, and truthfully, if that’s the case, we don’t need that person any longer ourselves. We can choose still to love the person if we wish; we can hold the person in a golden light and imagine him or her as happy and fulfilled. And then we go on to find our own golden life. Sometimes, silence really is golden because it works things out for us in ways words cannot.