Drawing the Line for Being Obsessive

Many years ago, before I really knew anything about codependency or that I was codependent, I wrote a letter to a friend and did not receive a response. After three weeks, I wrote again to that friend, and this time, I was surprised by the response. The opening sentence of her reply was, “Geez, you’re obsessive.” I was hurt and offended and wrote back and said, “I don’t think two letters in three weeks is obsessive.” I still don’t think so really—at least, not if they are emails. Perhaps snail mail would be considered so today.

But I’ve always remembered that moment, and now I question whether I am calling or emailing people too much. I often have to follow up with non-responsive people through my business, and you never know when an email might not get delivered, so if I don’t hear from someone within a week whom I need an answer from, I will often write and couch the message in terms of, “I just wanted to make sure my email didn’t get lost in cyberspace” or something along those lines. Most people don’t mind and will follow up by at least letting me know when they’ll answer me or return what work I’m waiting on.

As for drawing the line about what is obsessive, I don’t know that there’s a rule anyone can determine. I know some families where the adult child will call her mom everyday; others where the son will have dinner with his parents regularly once a week. In other families, months might go by without contact. Some men might think the girlfriend who calls every day is obsessive, but the girlfriend might think the boyfriend who doesn’t call her at work at least once during the day is neglecting her. What a person wants, what is acceptable, and what is crossing the line will vary by definition from person to person.

If you’re concerned that you might be acting obsessive in your relations with a person, and it’s in the beginning of a relationship, I suggest you try not to worry about it too much. Write or call the person when it feels good to you. If the other person doesn’t return your call or email right away, but waits two or three days, or doesn’t reply at all, then you know where you stand with that person. In time, the two of you will find a place of comfort with how often you will communicate. Asking the person, “How often can I call or email you?” will probably drive the person away and make him or her think you are obsessive, but after a few weeks or months, you can probably ask, “Would you rather that I not call you at work?” or “How would you feel about having a regular standing date on Wednesday nights?” and ask the person to be honest with you. When you can have that kind of conversation without hurt feelings, you will find that your relationship is strong.

And if you have a friend who thinks you are obsessive for contacting him or her three weeks apart, well, don’t consider yourself obsessive. Just realize that that person apparently doesn’t think your friendship is all that important, and move on. Needless to say, I’m no longer friends with the person who told me I was obsessive. I still don’t think I was obsessive in that situation, but it has opened my eyes to realizing people draw differently their lines for what they consider as obsessive. Yes, I may have been obsessive in other situations, but I have since learned to do better.