The Relationships Pendulum

Life is rarely constant; in fact, it’s been said that the only constant in life is change. While that may be true, we also know that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I like to think of life as a sort of pendulum. Just like on a clock where a pendulum will swing to left and right, so society moves left and right—we’ve just gone through an election season and watched people taking up right (conservative) and left (liberal) stances, but while each election leaves open the possibility of swinging to left or right, a pendulum ultimately will come to rest in the center, and our country also while moving in one direction or the other for a time usually swings back to maintain some degree of balance between the two.

We find that life is like that in all its aspects, constantly seeking balance. We might go through a phase where we are really busy, but then we follow it with one where perhaps life is slow and we rest up for the next busy period. Perhaps we have periods where we feel that everything is going wrong in life, but then a month later, everything seems to be going perfectly, and perhaps we find ourselves ultimately content to be somewhere in the middle.

Relationships work the same way. When we first meet someone, we might hit it off right away. We are excited about the other person, we like everything about him or her, we can’t stop talking about the person and how wonderful she is, or we want to spend every minute with him, and he seems to share that desire. Things go along great for a while, but then slowly, he begins to lose interest in us, or at least we fear that is the case. He doesn’t return our phone calls. She says she’s too tired to go out tonight. Suddenly, we feel like we are no longer wanted, like we are getting the silent treatment.

But sometimes we take such pendulum swings too personally. We become so enamored with someone that we forget common sense. Not everyone can spend time with someone else every minute of every day. Sometimes people need a break, time apart, time to grow separately. Sometimes your best friend from yesterday you rarely see for a while, but at some point in the future, the person returns into your life again. Life is just like that. They say about a pet that if you let it go and it’s meant to be, it will return to you. If a relationship is meant to be, it too will return to you.

Just because the pendulum swings away from us does not mean it will not swing back. Give people their space, give people the opportunity to feel something different, to experience time apart to gather their thoughts. The world is not falling apart just because one political party is voted in over another, and it will not fall apart if your relationship changes—when the pendulum swings back, new elements from time spent apart will be introduced to make the relationship interesting again. Be patient. All is well and whatever the learning experience is that you are encountering, you will be the better for it.

People Who Hurt Us

As I watched Hurricane Sandy progress and the aftermath of its wake, I became once more grateful for everything I have.

It is hard when you are in the middle of a crisis to feel gratitude about anything. Those affected by Hurricane Sandy, however, can still feel grateful for their lives, grateful for whatever shelter or food they receive, even if it is minimal.

But another kind of gratitude came to my attention in the days following. I heard stories of crime. Of people actually stealing gas out of one another’s cars. Of people breaking into other people’s homes to steal from them.

I am grateful that I have never been in a situation where I have been so very desperate that I would steal from or hurt another person. I am grateful that I have never known that kind of need. I can’t pretend to understand the people who behave that way, but I am also amazed and grateful that while I have heard such tales of crime, the vast majority of people are still behaving in a moral fashion.

I am reminded of the parable from the gospels of the two men who went to pray. One prayed for forgiveness, while another thanked God that he was not like the first man, a sinner. God preferred the first man’s prayer. This parable reminds us that it is not our place to judge anyone. We do not know what conditions have led to the moment that makes another person commit a crime; those conditions do not give anyone the right to hurt another, but it makes me thankful that I am not in that situation. It does not mean I am better than the person who steals. It means that for whatever reason, God instilled within me a set of morals and a sense of right and wrong that supersede whatever desperate need I might feel, and it means that I am grateful God has not put me in that situation. I am reminded, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.”

I win no merit badges because I was born without a gene to want to hurt people. I win no merit badges because my parents taught me right from wrong and I never truly knew what it is to want. That is the good fortune that for whatever reason God has given me.

No one can explain the reasons why we all behave in different ways, what motivates one person to become a criminal while another becomes a philanthropist. We can only be grateful when we end up not being the criminal. Whatever bad happens around us, we can be grateful that we retain a moral character, that we do not fall into the fear that drives criminal behavior, the fear for survival that leads one to hurt another. We can be grateful that whether it’s food or moral strength, we have enough.

If people hurt us, we forgive them, realizing that no matter how they have hurt us, their behavior reflects an even greater hurt inside of them.

Letting People Know Where They Stand

As codependents, we have a frequency to be people pleasers. We may say, “Yes” when we want to say, “No.” We may go along with what someone else wants even though it’s not what we want. That’s fine if we want to go to lunch at the Mexican restaurant but our friend wants to go to the Italian one. It’s not fine when your boyfriend wants an open relationship and you don’t, or when your best friend decides to start doing drugs and expects you to join in.

Some behaviors are not acceptable to us. We can still love someone without having to join him or her in what we don’t want to do, in what we know is not good for us, or what may even be not good for the other person. If we stay silent, we hope that perhaps this behavior we dislike will just be a phase the person will go through, or we simply fear if we don’t along with what the person wants, we will lose that person. After all, most of us codependents have fear of abandonment issues.

But we also have to face reality. When such issues arise in relationships where we don’t like what the other person wants, we have to be upfront about it. We have to let people know where we stand and where they stand. We have to look at the matter long-term. Will it matter next week or five years down the road if I have pasta instead of enchiladas today? Will it matter five years down the road if my husband is a heroin addict? What will my life look like then as a result?

We don’t have to get into a fight with the person, although perhaps we should be prepared for it if it happens, but we can let the person know where we stand. We phrase it as an ultimatum, harsh as that word might be, but we can do so lovingly: “I don’t like that you want to do drugs and I’m not going to participate. I can’t tell you what to do, but if you continue to do drugs, I will no longer be in a relationship with you because it’s harmful to me and to our relationship, and I can’t watch you continue to harm yourself.”

We don’t have to be mean about it. We don’t have to show anger. We don’t have to yell or even threaten. We are simply stating a fact. It is not a threat. Threats are intentions to do harm to another. Letting someone know where we stand is a way to prevent harm to ourselves down the road and to let the person know the separation is based in love and intended to prevent future pain in the relationship.

The other person can then decide for him- or herself whether our terms are acceptable. In either case, he will know what he will lose, what the consequences will be, if the behavior continues. We have to be prepared to do what we say we will do, but we can do so with a loving heart. We can part with the other person, wishing him all the best, or if we are lucky, perhaps the other person will appreciate our honesty and even realize that we are more important than the behavior he would otherwise pursue.

The Dark Days

The poet T.S. Eliot once wrote that “April is the cruelest month,” but I think November might be a close contender. Now that we are past the time change, the days get darker sooner. We drive home from work and eat supper in the dark. And all the world around us looks dark. The leaves that just a month ago were vibrantly colorful are now dead and mostly fallen. Even in the far north where the snow can be dazzling, the snow is not yet covering the ground, and everything has a dark and barren look to it.

These are the dark days and they will last for a while. There is little to give us cheer until Thanksgiving arrives. It can be downright depressing.

But the dark days have their advantages. Another poet, John Keats, wrote in his poem “To Autumn”: “Where are the songs of spring? Ay, Where are they? / Think not of them, thou hast thy music too.” Autumn does have its music, and even the darkest days of autumn have their music. I admit that the lack of light, the cold weather, can be depressing, but we can find joy in other activities.

Perhaps we can distract ourselves with early holiday shopping—why not get out there and buy now while it’s early so we don’t overwhelm and stress ourselves out just before Christmas?

Perhaps we can take joy in our autumn clothing. Splurge a little and buy yourself a new sweater, a new winter coat, a fun hat or scarf or pair of gloves.

Perhaps we can enjoy autumn foods. Maybe we can make a pumpkin pie early, or try out new soup recipes, or seek out other warm and comforting foods.

And perhaps we can remember that however difficult the dark days may be for us, many people are far worse off than we are. We can begin that realization with gratitude, with filling our hearts with thanksgiving as the holiday approaches. We may not like the dark or the cold, but do we not have electric light, a furnace that works, a blanket, a sweater, a space heater, warm food to fill our bellies?

And in realizing we have so much to be grateful for, we don’t forget that many others have less. As we plan our holiday shopping, we add to the list the giving tree at our church, the Toys for Tots drive, or we call to see whether we can volunteer for the holiday dinner at the local shelter.

No matter how dark our life may be, someone else’s life is darker. No matter how little light we have, we can bring light to someone else. You might only have one candle, but it can light a room for ten people if you will share it. Rather than focusing on the darkness outside you, focus on the light within you, and see how you can make it shine so you and all around you can be warm and see brighter days coming.

Feeling the Crazies

In my last blog, I wrote about how to deal with crazy people, but what if you feel that you are the crazy person? Then it becomes a bit harder, but the answer is still basically the same.

I suggested that you can’t fix crazy people but that you can find in the quiet place in your heart the opportunity to bless them, pray for them, and realize they are children of God and in His care.

The same technique can work when you are in your own crazy state, whether it’s fearing for your health, your children, your marriage, your husband’s drinking problem, or anything out of your control. It’s usually the things we can’t control that make us feel crazy, and our craziness gets out of control when we try to control others.

When you feel that you are going crazy, that your life is out of control, stop and take a deep breath. Take several deep breaths. Try to sit still and focus on your breathing, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Now, remember, you are a child of God and God is in control. Picture yourself not as a crazy person, not as a victim, not as someone whose life is falling apart. Picture yourself as a soul. What does it mean to you to be a soul? How does it feel to know that your soul is eternal, and even if your body were to be harmed, were to cease existing today, even if someone else you love and worry about were to die tomorrow, you and that person would still exist, would be free of pain, would be a soul under God’s care.

Imagine your soul leaving your body and floating above you, watching over you, like your Guardian Angel. What would it say to you? How about something like: “Will this situation really matter in five years? Whether or not things work out the way you want, you will be stronger because of this situation. You are loved and cannot be harmed. All is for the greater good. Trust. Have faith. You are loved. You are safe.”

When we feel like we are going crazy, we forget that even if things feel out of our control, it doesn’t matter because we have the universe as our backup—it’s as if our electricity in our house were backed up by a generator—it’s like having a second line of defense. When we realize we can’t control everything, that’s when we need to put our feet up and relax and realize that something bigger than us, bigger but also benevolent, is in control.

When we change our perspective, when we look at the big picture, we can realize that what makes us feel crazy today is just a drop in the bucket in a lifetime. It will pass. We don’t have to control it. It’s already under control. We just have to trust. You are not crazy. You are safe and you are loved, and it’s all going to be all right...perhaps not today or tomorrow...but give it time. All is well.

Dealing with the Crazies

Just when you thought it was safe to pick up the phone or go out in public again, it happens. A crazy person calls you. A crazy person speaks to you on the street. Or maybe you discover that your mom, brother, roommate, or coworker is a crazy person. And suddenly you find yourself asking, “Why do I always get stuck dealing with the crazy people?”

I don’t have an answer for you. If you believe in the Law of Attraction, then perhaps you’re putting out some vibe that attracts the crazy people to you, and that might be something to think about so you change your way of thinking. If you expect crazy people to contact you, you could possibly be attracting them.

But for now, let’s just talk about how to deal with the crazy person, whether or not you’ve attracted him or her. Because as much as I believe in the Law of Attraction, I have a feeling the crazy people aren’t going to leave your or my life completely.

The first thing to ask yourself when dealing with a crazy person is whether the craziness is temporary or long-term. If it’s someone you know well, like your brother, it might be that he is only being crazy because of a current situation in his life that is causing him stress—loss of a job, overwork, a divorce, health issues. Anything traumatic can result in erratic, annoying, or “crazy” behavior. If that’s the case, approach him from a position of understanding or sympathy and just listen to him. Remember, you can’t fix people or their problems, but you can listen to them, and sometimes that’s enough to help them get their crazy behavior under control.

But then there are the crazy people you don’t really know. It might be the customer who calls you on the phone and wants something unreasonable or something you don’t provide, or who is so angry about his bill that you can’t talk to him reasonably. It might be the woman on the subway you accidentally bump into who suddenly wants to beat you up. It might be the neighbor who comes over to tell you that you are going to burn in hell because you have a political sign in your yard that promotes a viewpoint she disagrees with. These are the crazy people you need to avoid. You definitely can’t fix them because they are illogical.

When you meet these crazy strangers, don’t get caught up in an argument with them. When people act crazy, you can’t reason with them. Instead, it’s best just to agree with them, provided you’re not agreeing to do something that will continue your contact with them; listening and agreeing will defuse them and get you out of the situation sooner. It’s important not to get “hooked” by them. They are usually so set in their opinions, ways, illogical thinking that you can’t fix them. Don’t waste energy trying to fix things you can’t fix. You might feel the desire to help them, or more likely, the desire to yell at them. Don’t do either. From that quiet place in your heart, bless them, pray for them, and remember they are children of God and trust that He will look after them.

None of us can solve all of the world’s problems or even another person’s problems. What we can do is learn how to maintain our own inner peace amid others’ craziness by not getting involved in their crazy behavior. It isn’t easy, but practice makes perfect. So when the crazy people enter your life, view it as a lesson that will teach you how to cope better with life all together.

Unexpected Help

I would bet that we all have someone in our lives whom we view as sort of useless, of no help, undependable. We feel like it’s pretty much pointless to ask that person for anything because we know better.

Or, it might be a person who wants to help us, but he or she always bumbles up the job, or takes three times as long to do the simplest task as a normal person, and basically, frustrates us with his incompetence or her slowness or—well, his or her general stupidity.

Admit it. You know someone like that. You avoid asking that person for help. You avoid inviting him to do things with you or even asking him for help because you believe doing so will only add to the frustration in your life.

But now and then, you might be surprised. Yes, it’s true this person might not take good care of his yard, her house might be a mess, she’s seemingly incapable of understanding how to send an attachment through email, or you wonder how he even still has a driver’s license because he drives so slowly and carelessly. This person is not up to your standards.

But then comes the day when no one else can help you and you feel stuck. You hate to ask this slow, frustrating, incompetent person for help—whether it’s as simple as a ride to the garage to pick up your car or something as big as watching your child. But you do ask, and in asking, you are ready for a fight, you’re ready to be mad at the person for not agreeing to help, or for agreeing and not showing up or being late, or not being up to the task.

And then the person surprises you. She shows up early. He comes bearing tools to help with the task at hand. She is the epitome of kindness. He shows you he has talents you never suspected.

You roll your eyes at first, while thinking, “This won’t last.” But it does. The person has risen to the occasion and you realize maybe you never really gave the person a chance.

Suddenly, he’s your new best friend; suddenly, you’re singing her praises to everyone—and suddenly, I’m completely exaggerating. Such transformations don’t happen overnight. Yes, the person might rise to the occasion and surprise you. You will most likely remain hesitant in your future dealings with him or her until you determine whether the change is lasting, but the person does now have a point in his or her favor. You might ask him for help next time. You might even decide to ask her for help over the person you would usually ask.

Unexpected help might not be a mind-blowing, world changing experience, but it is enough to make you alter your perspective, however slightly. It’s a move in the right direction toward strengthening or healing a relationship. Be open to the help you may think you don’t want. It can make a difference.