Memorial Day Memories

Memorial Day is a day to remember those who are gone. It’s also a great opportunity to rewrite the scripts of our lives. People say we can’t change the past, but I don’t believe that—at least not quite. Perhaps we can’t change the events that happened or the words that were said to someone who has passed away, but we can change how we feel about that person.

When you get to my age, there’s a good chance you know more people who have died than you do those who are living. Have you ever thought about making a list of everyone you know who has died? It’s a daunting list. I’m sure if you tried, you could come up with a list of a hundred people easily, and if you kept at it, far more than that. Those people are gone, and perhaps some of them you have almost forgotten until you started to think about making a list, but each one contributed to your life in some way.

Today, I suggest you spend some time making that list, remembering all those people who have gone to their rest but who left behind an impression on you. Make your list and then think about how each of those people contributed to your life for the better. Yes, you might have had a crabby aunt or a mean coworker who died, but even those people contributed to who you are today. What did you learn from those people?

Even the meanest people have their redeeming qualities. Can you find one redeeming quality for each person who has passed away, or can you think how that person made your life better?

I truly believe we make agreements before we come into this life to help each other learn life lessons. I once read somewhere that only the people who truly love us will agree to be the people who greatly hurt us in this life because they love us so much they are willing to make the sacrifice for our own good. Think about that—the best friend who betrayed you, the lover you were crazy about who spurned you. Deep down, I bet you still love those people. And I bet they loved you too.

This Memorial Day, let’s rewrite the script of the past by realizing just how many people we have known who contributed to who we are today. Say a prayer for them. Tell them “Thank you” for the contributions they made to your life. Understand that it was all for your benefit, whether they were kind or cruel to you. If not in this life, I trust someday we will understand it all and realize it was all for the best.

After you finish this activity, you may realize that each of the departed was a gift in your life. Now return to the living and see the gift each living person presents to you. What opportunities to learn and grow might be derived from the rude cashier, the difficult sister, or the person who cuts you off in traffic? Rewrite the script for how you will remember people in the future as well as the past.

Letting Yourself Go

We often hear about how chasing the Almighty Dollar and trying to keep up with the Jones is a thankless task. Even those of us who are caught up in trying to get rich and are obsessed with material things that can’t buy happiness are usually well aware that more important things in life exist. And when we let go of that material pursuit, we usually find ourselves happier.

I was thinking about people striving for money the other day when I heard someone refer to “letting yourself go” in regards to one’s weight and figure. While I am an advocate for healthy living, sometimes we can overdo it just like we can overdo anything.

I once heard Marlon Brando say, “It doesn’t matter whether you’re fat; just whether you’re a good person.” There’s a lot of truth in that statement. Do those few extra pounds really matter that much?

Of course, we want to keep our bodies healthy, to eat right, and to get exercise. But is there a point where we can overdo it? We’ve all heard of athletes on steroids and people with anorexia or bulimia—they seek the perfect body and that desire so consumes them that they resort to drastic measures. Most of us don’t go to those extremes, but how many of us exercise when we don’t want to, or when we would find greater happiness doing something else?

Are you stressing yourself out with your exercise routine? Are you so committed to it that you find yourself not doing the things that make you happy because you feel you have to get to the gym?

What other things might you like to do? If you go to the gym for one hour, five days a week, that’s five hours of your life. If you don’t enjoy going to the gym, why do you keep going? Perhaps you would rather be at home with your spouse watching a movie, or playing board games with your children, or writing that novel you always said you would, or joining a cross-stitch group, or taking a painting class, or improving your golf game, or working on that old car in the garage.

My point is that if you don’t enjoy exercising, are you really getting any benefit out of it? I bet you’ve reached a plateau where you’re not seeing a difference anyway. I’m not encouraging you not to exercise. I’m suggesting you realign your priorities. If it doesn’t make you feel good, is it really good for you? Maybe you could take a break or find something else equally beneficial.

What if you spent that time doing something you really enjoyed? Wouldn’t that make you feel better, reduce your stress, lower your blood pressure, help you to relax, allow you to feel freer and happier?

In recovery, we talk a lot about letting go. How about letting go of keeping up with the personal trainer, Suzanne Somers, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the college student with the rockin’ bod’ whom no matter what we do we know we can never look like again? How about letting go of what doesn’t make us happy, even when people tell us it’s good for us?

Ultimately, we know what is good for us. I think happiness is what is good for us. Remember balance in all things, be it exercise, work, or play, and that balancing your happiness is what’s truly important.

Cyber-Dysfunction

If you want to find some dysfunctional people, all you have to do is go online, find a controversial news story, and then look at the comments readers leave. Facebook and other social networking sites are also great places for dysfunctional people to congregate.

Recently, after President Obama said that he believed same-sex couples had the right to be married, it seemed like everyone had to air his or her opinion on the Internet on this topic. I know it’s a controversial topic, but that’s no reason for people to forget their manners. I saw people attacking one another, telling gay people that God will judge them (sounds like these people should leave the judging to God), and I also saw a few people stand up to the bullies.

I never cease to be amazed that people will get into fights online with people they don’t even know. I’m even more amazed when family members do it. I’ve seen sisters post to each other’s Facebook pages things like: YOU HAVE NO RITE TO TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE. WHY DON’T YOU LOOK AT YURSELF AND ALL YUR KIDS WHO HAVE BEEN IN JAIL AND YUR DRUNK-A-S BOYFREND AND REALIZE I’M DOING A BETTER JOB THAN YOU, YOU F-D UP B-TCH!

Seriously? Why would you want to write such a thing? It’s one thing to be mad at someone. It’s another thing to pick a public place to express your anger. If you yelled at your sister like that in a restaurant, the manager would throw you out. And it only makes you look bad to everyone else online. No one wants to be friends with a person who could potentially post something similar on her wall.

Nor has anyone’s opinion been changed on gay marriage, racism, abortion, or any other topic because they were yelled at or called names.

The real problem, besides people not using manners, is that it is so easy to respond quickly online. The person we are angry with is not present in the room to punch us in the face so we figure we can get away with it. Unfortunately, many of these sites do not have delete buttons, so once you post your angry rant, those words could be in cyberspace forever, while you might regret them a few months or years down the road, or even the minute after you send them.

Rewriting the script for our lives means rethinking, or at least thinking twice. Before you post something online about someone else or about a topic that is controversial, think twice. Ask yourself whether getting back at that one person who is angering you is worth making yourself look bad to the thousands of other people who are likely for years to come to stumble on that site and view those words. Count five-and-twenty before you post. Sleep on it before you decide to respond.

So much of leading a dysfunctional or codependent life is due to letting other people hook us with their problems and suck us in with their issues. Don’t let cyber-dysfunction suck you in. Step away from the computer. Put down the Smartphone. Do not hit “Send” and you will not regret it later.

Shopping Around for the Best Option

I’ve always believed in shopping around, and lately that’s taken on a new meaning for me. As most of my readers know, I was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was supposed to have traditional surgery to remove the cancer, but I didn’t feel quite comfortable with that solution. Nor do I like when there is no other option or choice—I wanted to consider all my options rather than settle for what is the usual answer.

After much research, talking to doctors, and then contemplating my options, I decided on an alternative to radical surgery. I decided to try CyberKnife (www.austincyberknife.com). I was a good candidate for it and felt it was the best option for me. On May 10 (after cancelling the surgery I was supposed to have on May 9), I had the procedure with fiducials implanted (gold pellets) in the lesion area. (I’m now worth more dead than alive, considering the cost of gold these days.) Following the radiation zaps made at the gold pellet implants in about a month's time,  I will embark on chemotherapy. (By the way, to date I've interviewed 11 doctors and I don't think I'm finished yet.) 

I also looked around when it came to a doctor. I liked the initial oncologist I saw, but I didn’t feel comfortable with the waiting room full of nearly-dead people. When I told my primary doctor at CyberKnife that, he found me another doctor who took the time to consult with other specialists, showing me he’s willing to be open to different possibilities and solutions rather than thinking he has all the answers himself.

As I’ve promised, this blog is not going to turn into solely a blog about my medical situation. I bring up this situation because I believe it is important for us to “shop around” anytime we have serious needs. I’m not talking about comparing the price of Pringles or Raisin Bran at two different grocery stores. I’m talking about things that truly matter to our mental, emotional, and physical well-being and where it’s imperative we choose what is best for us.

When we are codependent, we have a tendency to put other people’s needs before our own, and that results in our not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings. No way am I going to worry about hurting a doctor’s feelings if I’m not absolutely convinced that doctor is the best choice for my medical situation, while I fully realize another person might find that doctor is right for him or her. And the same is true with all the other big decisions in life.

I encourage you to shop around. Shop around for a church family that resonates with your belief system and makes you feel good about your relationship with God or your Higher Power. Shop around for the school you want to attend—don’t settle for less than what you want. Shop around for the financial advisor or accountant who understands your situation and long-term financial needs. And shop around for the groups you join and the people with whom you spend time. Certainly, shop around for your life-partner—don’t settle for just financial security or someone who loves you whom you can’t love back. If someone or something does not serve your needs, don’t stay attached just because you worry about hurting others’ feelings or you fear what others will think.

If I’ve learned one thing from my cancer diagnosis, it’s that life can be short and fragile so we have to make the most of it. There’s no time for guilt or people-pleasing in this life. For me, this situation has given new meaning to the phrase, “Shop until you drop.”

Put Your Shoulders Back: The World Looks Different

The other day I was flipping TV channels and came across some sort of romantic movie. First I saw a gorgeous young man walking along a lake. He had his shoulders back, his head lifted high, and he looked like he thought he owned the world. My first thought was, “Boy, is he full of himself,” but then I thought, “Why shouldn’t he be? He’s gorgeous and he’s starring in a movie.”

And then the female star came on. She was also beautiful, with all the right curves and not a hair out of place, and she even had a bit of a wiggle as she walked. She approached the male lead as if he were her possession and she had every claim to be worshipped by him. And the two of them then proceeded to display what great sexual chemistry they had. I then changed the channel before the cheesy lovemaking got any worse.

A little while later, I went out for a walk, and I started thinking back to how I had seen this male and female actor walking as if they owned the world. What was it like to walk like that, without a care and as if you are all powerful? And I realized that while I tell myself I am a strong, confident woman, maybe I do walk a bit bent forward, as if I am in a hurry to get to the next thing on my To Do list and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and feel like it’s all going to fall apart if I don’t get that next item checked off my list.

Playfully, I decided I’d find out what it felt like to be so confident in your bearing and walk. So I walked a bit slower, and I threw back my shoulders and kept my back straight and lifted my chin a little, and you know what? I felt great! I felt confident and in control. A nagging little pain I didn’t quite realize was in my stomach gurgled and cleared itself up, and I even felt like I could breathe a bit better. It made me think of how chiropractors say our spine is so important for our body’s overall wellbeing. I can well believe that is true just from how walking a bit more erect made me feel.

And everything looked a bit different as I walked along, perhaps because I was seeing everything from at least an inch higher than I had in the past. I felt in control of my world. I felt almost impregnable. I was not full of myself so much as appreciative of how good and in control I felt, how confident and powerful it felt to decide I owned the world rather than letting it own and control me. My spirits lifted considerably.

Just think what the world would be like if we all walked a bit straighter, with shoulders back and head lifted high, owning our own magnificence rather than fearing we must perform to justify our worthiness. During that walk, I felt charismatic, like I could attract people and good to me, and I knew I was deserving of respect without having to feel threatened by anyone else so I did not have to lord it over anyone. It was an amazing, eye-opening moment for me.

So, shoulders back. Walk like you own the world today. Be proud of the great being you are. Walk tall and your day will go better. And as always, I’ll be happy to have you tell me how your perspective has changed as a result.

Letting Go of the “Have To Do” List

I recently wrote about how we use the word “have to” to describe things perhaps we don’t “have to do,” but instead want to do or don’t need to do at all.

We all have “To Do” lists, but very few things on that list are really “have to do” items. Yes, we probably “have to do” the laundry, wash the dishes, go to our jobs, eat and sleep. There are probably a few other “have to” items as well, but really, there aren’t that many. Most of the other things we “have to do” are, for whatever reason, burdens we have placed on ourselves.

One place where our “have to” list gets out of control is with the clutter in our houses. Perhaps you’ve heard the saying, “A clean home is the sign of an empty mind.” Honestly, I have too many other things I’d rather do than clean, but sometimes those very things are what end up cluttering the house. It’s also well-known that a clean and organized home makes people feel better.

Clutter usually doesn’t start out as clutter. It’s often stuff we enjoy and want to do something with. But over time, it gets away from us until it becomes clutter. Look around your house and ask yourself, “What things do I feel I ‘have to do’ that are making my house and life cluttered?” Sometimes we start out with a project or interest that eventually doesn’t interest us any longer, and that’s when it gets out of hand. Think about it. How many things have you left unfinished that are cluttering up your house because you keep telling yourself, “Someday I’ll get around to doing that”?

Here’s a short list of what your clutter may be: magazines with recipes you always meant to cut out but never did; cut-out recipes you always meant to organize but never did; keeping up with clipping coupons and organizing them; the stamp album or coin collection you never finished organizing; the genealogy research you were always going to organize; the hundreds of loose photographs you always meant to put into albums; the unfinished craft projects; the books you always said you would someday read. Now ask yourself: “Am I ever really going to put that stamp album together, organize those photos, or read those books?” Be honest. You know the answer is probably, “No.”

So let them go. Throw as many of those things away as you can. If it feels better, then send them to the local Goodwill or Salvation Army store, give them away, or have a garage sale. Whatever you want to do, so long as you get that stuff out of your house. I can understand you may not want to pitch the photographs or the genealogy information, so ask whether someone else in the family (or the local history museum) wants it or if someone wants to come over and help you organize it, and if they do, make a party out of it. If you find that no one else wants the photos or the genealogy information, then ask yourself why you’ve been hanging onto it. If it’s only important to you, and even you don’t want it or feel motivated to do anything with it, get rid of it.

Moan and Groan

The other day when I bent over to pick up something I had dropped, I found myself moaning as I did so, like it was a terribly strenuous activity. Only, it wasn’t strenuous—I don’t have any problem bending over to pick up something. It didn’t hurt at all, despite my having had surgery last week. The thought, “Oh, I’m getting old” went through my head with the moan, as if to say, “Look at how old I am that I have a hard time picking stuff up.” But the truth was, I didn’t have a hard time.

Moaning and groaning is a learned behavior. In fact, while I’m no doctor or scientist, I’m skeptical there is any legitimate reason why anyone would moan and groan in relation to such an activity. Perhaps if we were in severe pain, such as bending over after surgery at the place where we had an incision, we might have reason to moan and groan, but other than that, I doubt there’s a real reason to do it. I think we do it, frankly, because we like to complain.

I think we moan and groan because it gives us something to do, perhaps because we enjoy having an audience when other people are present, and perhaps because if we have something to complain about, we are happier, because being happy without a reason can feel like a burden; we’d much rather have something to complain about.

Yes, sometimes we have legitimate reasons to moan and groan. You might moan over something that really doesn’t feel good, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally doesn’t feel good—such as work you don’t want to do, or dealing with difficult people, but even then, does moaning and groaning make anything better?

Today, I challenge you to stop your moan and groan pattern. Next time you catch yourself moaning and groaning when you bend over or stretch to reach something, catch yourself and replace the moan and groan with, “Wow, it feels good to stretch those muscles. Isn’t it wonderful that after forty, sixty, ninety years my body still works so well and I can bend over or reach for things on high shelves? Isn’t my body a miracle? Don’t I feel good!” I guarantee you will start to feel good if you exchange those moans and groans for gratitude and enthusiasm for all your body can do.